April 7, 2009
The water is deepRight now, I just want to keep my head above the waters.
Just want to survive.
There is still much strength in me but I'm too tired to go on.
The more I kick the water...Yes I move, BUT
The hope to reach land lessens every day...
When will I see the shore?
The waves are crashing past me...I don't know what the waves are doing?
Are they pushing me to the shore? Are they trying to drown me?
Are they calling me to surf? Are they laughing at me?
The waves are waves and will be waves.
It's up to me
How do I want to look at it?
What's my choice?
I would love to be positive and all. I mean who wouldn't right?
A straight smooth sail would be nice.
The waters are rising each day. I don't know when am I going to finally let go and be lost under the surface...
This is the phase of confusion...
Sadness overwhelms me and is telling me to let go but I know
letting go would be wrong...
Right now I, I don't know if I can say I'm OK and I can say I'm not OK.
I'm in the middle...helplessly floating aimlessly...
I'm lost and it's my fault...I'm not strong enough.
I feel like a "sampah masyarakat" in school.
Why am I studying what I don't want to...
I never thought I'll end up in this school or do these subjects...
Some children study what their parents force on them.
I'm feeling like one of them...no interest here...
I see an easier way out but its after-effect would be disastrous.
A longing is there but cowardliness stops me from taking that road.
I guess I'm kind of unstable now.
Don't worry.
I promise I won't do anything out of the ordinary...
I'll be back to normal after some time...maybe in 2 weeks or so.
I just need some time to accept the REALITY and perhaps
Try to mend my relationship with God.
